Invisible

The last two and a half weeks of my life have changed me so much and I can’t take who I’ve become. The feeling of being completely alone; both mentally and physically is probably the worse feeling in the world. I never thought I’d hit a rock bottom but I did. I told someone recently to not make a decision based on any other factors besides yourself but I’m somehow failing to take my own advice. I feel like no one understands the way I feel and I know that’s partially my fault because I haven’t really explained anything to them, but the problem is that I don’t know how. I’ve never been good at telling others how I feel. I guess I can’t put my feelings and thoughts into physical words. But if I could I would explain the loss of appetite, loss of interest in anything, going from insomnia to hypersomnia, the night terrors, the panic attacks, the random crying episodes, the constant head and entire body aches, and the feeling of feeling alone and yet being completely trapped alone. 

I have two options and both of them have consequences. Either I stay here, finish this school and be unhappy being in a profession which I now have come to realize isn’t for me. Or I can break my parents heart and come home and tell them I want to do something else and crush everything they’ve wanted for me. Who’s happiness do I sacrifice? Who’s dreams do I fulfill?  Do I listen to my heart or everyone else? Do I listen to the comments about me throwing everything away; throwing away a golden opportunity? Do I listen to the ones who say this is just an emotional phase and I’ll get over it? Does no one see my physical being becoming weak? Do I really mean that little to everyone that no one can see me suffer? Or do they decide to ignore it? Do I want to deal with all the shit talking that’s going to happen if I come back? Do I even care about that? 

All these questions are killing me and going around and around in my head over and over and I can’t control these thoughts anymore. I just pray that God can show me what to do.